Capture Your Grief: Day 8, Jewelry

Jewelry

Capture Your Grief Day 8 is a picture of a piece of jewelry that is in memory of your baby.  I know the picture is horrible, I am going to try and get another with natural light.  I have had this bracelet, with the charm of my name since my 16th birthday.  For Mother's Day this year, J wanted to make the day as easy as possible for me and let me decide how we were going to proceed.  I had decided I wanted to go to a Ranger's game because I could escape into my world of baseball and not be over exposed to Mother's Day excitement.  I couldn't struggle through the service at church, where each year they honor the mom's by having them stand and applauded and hand out a charm.  I just couldn't do it.  So for my Mother's Day present, J honored me with a matching charm and had it engraved with "Taylor Grace 2012".  Now her and I are side by side on this bracelet and as close as the charms are, I feel that close to her when I wear it.  The charms are now all scratched up from rubbing each other, so I really need to have hers fixed and figure out a way to protect it.  But even if I'm the only one that knows what it says, I love her little charm and how close it makes me feel to my baby girl.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 7, What to Say After a Loss of a Child

Day 7 is a topic I was looking forward to because it allows me the chance to honor all of those in my life that have honored my daughter and our family.  All of these were either said or done for us after the loss of our daughter.  Some of them are so very simple, but yet they have meant everything to me and my husband.  So to those that actually know me and read this blog, "Thank you."  I love you so much and am so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. I know if J were typing on this blog, he would say the same.  

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 6, What Not to Say

What NOT to say to someone who has lost their baby.

 

 

    If you don't know what to say, a hug or a handhold is a good choice.  They may tell you they can't handle it right that second, but it shows love.
    I also added in what not to do, i.e. ignore the parents, disappear from their lives and when you see them pretend like the loss never happened and like the baby did not exist.  When someone you love is going through this much pain, how could you NOT support them?  Even with something as easy as a phone call or text to check in on them once in awhile or to tell them you are thinking of them and their child.

After losing a child, what parents need the most is LOVE.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 5, Memorial

Day 5 for the Capture Your Grief Project is a picture of anything you have done in memory of your baby.  While it is similar to what I will be using on Day 17, it is what I consider to be Taylor's memorial.  This is the memorial we created for her when we celebrated her birthday on September 24.  It includes her Prayer Flag, the angel butterfly I found (because butterflies can be a symbol of lost babies and a purple butterfly is the symbol for TS), her ultrasound from when we heard her heartbeat, Peanut (her puppy dog that my brother and sister-in-law gave me for Mother's Day, wearing the outfit, with Rangers t-shirt, they gave J for Father's Day), Mr. Raccoon, Pajama Baby (Mr. Raccoon and Pajama Baby are from my uncle for Taylor), a lily from the bouquet our wonderful friends sent us in honor of her birthday, and candlelight to let her know she shines on inside of us.  I will share more about her birthday celebration on the 17th, but I think this was a beautiful way for us to honor her.  I am not ashamed to admit that I have slept with one of the three stuffed animals every night since we lost her and I can't go to sleep until one of them in tucked under my arm.  It makes me feel close to her each night.  Hard to believe our baby girl would be in our home by now filling it with all kinds of wonderful baby sounds and smells if things had been different.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Days 3 & 4

I did not get the chance to blog Day 3 yesterday since we were driving home from my doctor's appointment in Houston.  Unfortunately J had some food poisoning from his tuna sandwich at lunch and was very sick the entire way home, thus we did not make it home until almost 11!  He is much better today :)  So here are yesterday and today's Capture Your Grief pictures.

Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

    
This picture was actually taken on October 3, same day as the topic.  I thought it was pretty fitting that my After Loss Portrait was in front of the UT Health Science Center in Houston's Medical District.  After losing Taylor, we were not able to grieve "appropriately" because we were thrown into the whirlwind of my Turner Syndrome diagnosis.  We then were forced to grieve not only the loss of our baby girl, which is impossible in itself, but also the loss of what I knew about my body and how it is failing me.  So after endless doctors that did not know how to help me, my wonderful husband hounded the doctor at the Turner Syndrome Clinic and was able to get me an appointment for October's clinic.  The TS clinic is ran by Dr. Rivera-Davila and only treats adults the first Wednesday of every month.  So we traveled to Houston and I had the most informative and productive of any appointment I have had in who knows how long.  She is running all of those tests that I was so worried about, but the other doctors pushed off and the best part is I didn't even have to ask, it was her idea to test me.  She also threw in a few more that I didn't even know to be concerned about.  She took blood to check the following: kidney function, cholesterol, Celiac's disease, diabetes, and I'm sure many more things I didn't even catch in our conversation. She was so completely thorough and understanding and I also felt completely at ease with her personality.  She also ordered an ultrasound of my kidney and a bone density screen, which I hope to have done closer to home and have the results sent to her.  Before leaving, I agreed to participate in a research study for people at risk for heart complications, so they too received some of my blood. 

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

My most treasured items are those that take me back to my favorite memories.  Hearing her heartbeat for the first, and last time.  Lord, please help me to never forget the feeling of witnessing the miracle that was my baby's thundering heart.  We took weekly pictures of my growing belly and these pictures I have sometimes feel like the only proof that she was real, that she belonged in our world for a short time.  The top right picture was taken exactly one week before we heard the horrible words that forever rocked our world.  She was only with me 11 weeks, but she is forever in my heart.

She sent me this beautiful sunset on my drive home from work today.  I had to pull on to the service road so I could stop and take some pictures because I just knew it was from her.  The way the lights beamed down, it had to be something from Heaven. 

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 2, Before Loss Self Portrait

Day 2 of the Capture Your Grief project is a self portrait before your loss.  I had a harder time with this one, probably because I put too much thought and I should have just let it flow from my heart.  The first thought that came into my mind was to use the picture I did end up using; however I debated whether to use this picture most of the day, even discussing the topic with my patient hubby.  I have always felt I looked extremely tired and maybe a little sickly in the picture.  Of course I was tired, I was 10 weeks pregnant and had walked around the zoo all day with a 3 year old and 7 year old in a wagon, running to the bathroom every few minutes because the 3 year old kept drinking too much water :)  So of course I was tired!  But I was concerned with using the portrait because it doesn't show the extreme joy I was feeling.  I debated on using a wedding pic (you know good old naive newlyweds), or a fancy dressed up photo... I ended up going with my gut because I remember how excited we were all day that even though our baby was still in the womb, he/she (because we didn't know at the time our baby was a girl) was at the zoo with Mommy and Daddy for her cousin's 1st birthday.  Her 7 yr old aunt and 3 yr old 2nd cousin were also there, along with another aunt, 2 uncles and a grandma.  If you know me, you know that I am an absolute animal person and I LOVE anything where I can be around animals and I LOVE going to the zoo.  J (my hubby) and I kept talking throughout our zoo trip about getting a zoo membership so that when Peanut was born we could come often and I could even come when he/she was a little baby and just walk around to get exercise and get the baby out and about.  We loved how Baby was experiencing this birthday party, even via the womb :)  So I went with this picture.  A week and a half later our lives were shattered, but at this moment our world was unbelievably magical.

So here's our Magical Picture...

Until tomorrow,

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 1, Sunrise

Crazy, two posts in one day!  

  As I mentioned in my prior post, Carly Marie's website has been a good source of healing for me over the past several months.  In honor of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Carly Marie introduced the Capture Your Grief project, which began today.  Today's subject was "Sunrise" so I diligently set my alarm for 7am and actually got up the first time it went off for once (first time ever more than likely).  I have to admit that when I first looked at the subject list, I became discouraged and overwhelmed, but then remembered the spirit behind the project is healing.  When I looked at the sunrise this morning through the trees, I realized how special it was that I was actually taking the time to just look at the beauty of the sun.  It reminded me of the beauty of the sunset during our ceremony for my baby girl on her birthday and I know she smiled down this morning, even though my picture is by far not the most beautiful I have seen posted.  I did not rush as I got ready and I was not late for my doctor's appointment.  I was able to enjoy the beauty of the morning.  For that, I am truly thankful.

~T.