Capture Your Grief: Day 15, WAVE OF LIGHT

Day 15 for the Capture Your Grief Project is the October 15th WAVE OF LIGHT for International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  All over the world, at 7 pm their time, people lit candles for at least one hour in memory of their precious babies they lost and miss dearly.  So for 24 hours, non-stop, candles were lit in honor of all those little ones we love that can't be with us.

My husband and I lit three candles that I made just for this occasion.  The front candle is for Taylor, the one on the left is for the babies lost by our family and friends, and the one on the right is for all those babies of people we have never met but have this tragic connection to.

For that moment, I felt a connection to parents all over the world who also knew what it was like to never see or hold their child that they love so much.  I've heard it said, and I wholeheartedly agree, baby loss is a close-knit group of people who support each other, even though they never wanted to be in the group.  I've witnessed that throughout this project and I definitely felt that today.                                        ~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 14, Community

Capture Your Grief: Day 14 is "Community".  I created a collage of organizations that have helped in my healing in any way.
    I have mentioned the Carly Marie Project Heal before, so that is no surprise, especially since she is the one running the Capture Your Grief Project.  She also did the prayer flag project and a Book of Honor & Remembrance on Oct 15. 
    Bloggers for Hope is a blog that has a variety of authors that write on topics such as pregnancy loss, infertility, adoption and family issues.  I have gathered information and validation from their blog.  
    Pantego Bible Church is the church where my husband and I spend every Sunday morning to prepare for our week and feel revived.
    Team TSF is the race we are doing in November to raise money for the Turner Syndrome Foundation.  They raise money for research, education, and advocacy.
    Small Bird Studios is a blog created by a wonderful lady named Franchesca, who is also the founder of Still Standing Magazine.  She also does the Lost for Words card line with Carly Marie.

I hope all of these resources can be as much of a blessing to you as they were to me.

~T.

   

Capture Your Grief: Day 13, Signs

Taylor's Birthday Rainbow

Taylor's "I Love You" to Mommy

Day 13 of the Capture Your Grief project is a sign you have received from your baby.  I included two pictures for this day.  The first picture is a picture I took on Taylor's birthday while we were at the lake.  The flash of light (blob) in the middle of the picture is her Wish Lantern we released after praying for her.  As we watched the lantern fade from sight, I noticed this beautiful purple nighttime rainbow arching over where the lantern disappeared.  I pointed it out to my husband and stated that I had never seen anything like it before.  The sunset was actually behind us and other than the rainbow, that part of the sky was pitch black.  It was this beautiful purple color and we knew it was a sign from Taylor, telling us she loved us as we celebrated her here.  We both were tearing up. It did not make scientific sense that there should be a color of light where the rainbow was, but yet, there it was.  I tried to get a picture of it, but could only get blackness.  When I got in the car, I looked back through my pictures, disappointed that they were black.  Then I looked through the pictures I attempted to take of the wish lantern and noticed the one above.  I was so excited that I had captured the rainbow!  The crazy part is that we could not see the rainbow until the lantern was gone, but there it was in the picture.  Below is the same picture, but with adjusted levels,  I think it's beautiful to see all that was going on in the night sky that we couldn't see, yet our daughter was painting us a picture. 

The picture on the right is from the day that I spoke of in Day 3/4 post.  It is a beautiful sunset straight from Heaven and my baby girl.
I am thankful that I am getting to the place in my grief where I can see Taylor in my world and smile.  When you are in your darkest days that is so difficult.  Unless you have lost a child, you have no idea what these moments mean to a parent.  They are our baby's way of sending us a hug, a kiss, and an "I love you."  They are everything.
~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 12, Scent

Day 12 of the Capture Your Grief project is a picture of a scent that reminds you of your baby.  I wish I had had the opportunity to smell her sweet baby scent, but since I didn't the scents after her loss are what remind me of baby Taylor.  When we went back home after losing her, we had this beautiful bouquet from my grandparents waiting for us.  We received several others, but the scent of the lilies overtook our home.  So soft, fragrant and beautiful.  On Taylor's birthday last month, we received a beautiful bouquet of white lilies from our good friends.  Again our home was filled with the sweet fragrance.  We took a single lily with us from that bouquet to our lakeside ceremony my husband and I had for us to say "Happy Birthday".  You can see that single lily in the memorial picture we took that is posted from Day 5.
I looked up the meaning behind the lily and found that it means "innocence, purity, hope, faith, motherhood, and rememberance".  If that is not an appropriate definition of a scent that describes my baby, then I don't know what would be.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 11, Supportive Friends/Family

Obviously I do not have the ability to squeeze everyone who has been a support to us these past six months into one photo collage.  I have tried to let people know what their support means to me, but I don't think I can put into words the love, strength, and hope they have given to me.  I included in the collage my husband, my parents, my cousin and sister-in-law, and my brother.  My grandparents have been amazing, I have an aunt I can go to for anything, I have a second cousin that checks on me frequently and allows me to vent even when it's ugly, I have 3 fur-babies that cuddle me when I am sad, and I have several amazing friends, but one in particular that has been there to hear me cry or text me about the craziness that has been my life.  She even went so far as to mail me an "Egg Retrieval Care Kit" that made me smile during the most stressful of times.  The cards that we receive always put a smile on our faces, as well as the random texts just to say "thinking of you today".  I, really we, are so blessed to have the amazing people we do in our lives.  Love you all.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 10, Symbol

Angel Butterfly

For those that don't know by now, the purple butterfly is the symbol for Turner Syndrome.  When I was shopping for Taylor's birthday memorial, I looked for a purple butterfly that was special and beautiful enough to be a part of our celebration.  Although I saw many purple butterflies, when I saw this butterfly, I knew it was the one.  To me, it looked like an angel, so it was a perfect addition for my Angel's birthday celebration.  Since it came in a 3-pack, I plan on keeping one in her memorial box, one goes on our Christmas tree and the last will go to my parent's house for their tree.  This butterfly will always be a reminder of our baby girl during the holiday's.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 9, Special Place

Day 9 of the Capture Your Grief Project is "Special Place".  Carly Marie describes this topic as "a place that you visit that brings you peace."  Although I felt a lot of peace when we celebrated Taylor's birthday at the lake, the place I feel peace most often is with my husband.  So I took the metaphorical approach :)  I took a picture of his hands holding mine because I know I can trust that my heart is safe in his care.  Whether I am dealing with my grief or having a great day, I want those hands to be holding mine.  Underneath the picture is the caption from Instagram.

"The place that brings me the most peace is in my husband's arms, his hands holding mine tightly.  Whether it's at home when I'm having a hard day and missing my baby girl, or out facing the world, he is my home and refuge.  His hands hold me, pray for me, and keep me safe and feeling loved.  These are the kindest hands I've ever known and I am so very blessed that God let me marry this amazing man."

Until tomorrow,
~T.