Capture Your Grief: Day 15, WAVE OF LIGHT

Day 15 for the Capture Your Grief Project is the October 15th WAVE OF LIGHT for International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  All over the world, at 7 pm their time, people lit candles for at least one hour in memory of their precious babies they lost and miss dearly.  So for 24 hours, non-stop, candles were lit in honor of all those little ones we love that can't be with us.

My husband and I lit three candles that I made just for this occasion.  The front candle is for Taylor, the one on the left is for the babies lost by our family and friends, and the one on the right is for all those babies of people we have never met but have this tragic connection to.

For that moment, I felt a connection to parents all over the world who also knew what it was like to never see or hold their child that they love so much.  I've heard it said, and I wholeheartedly agree, baby loss is a close-knit group of people who support each other, even though they never wanted to be in the group.  I've witnessed that throughout this project and I definitely felt that today.                                        ~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 14, Community

Capture Your Grief: Day 14 is "Community".  I created a collage of organizations that have helped in my healing in any way.
    I have mentioned the Carly Marie Project Heal before, so that is no surprise, especially since she is the one running the Capture Your Grief Project.  She also did the prayer flag project and a Book of Honor & Remembrance on Oct 15. 
    Bloggers for Hope is a blog that has a variety of authors that write on topics such as pregnancy loss, infertility, adoption and family issues.  I have gathered information and validation from their blog.  
    Pantego Bible Church is the church where my husband and I spend every Sunday morning to prepare for our week and feel revived.
    Team TSF is the race we are doing in November to raise money for the Turner Syndrome Foundation.  They raise money for research, education, and advocacy.
    Small Bird Studios is a blog created by a wonderful lady named Franchesca, who is also the founder of Still Standing Magazine.  She also does the Lost for Words card line with Carly Marie.

I hope all of these resources can be as much of a blessing to you as they were to me.

~T.

   

Capture Your Grief: Day 13, Signs

Taylor's Birthday Rainbow

Taylor's "I Love You" to Mommy

Day 13 of the Capture Your Grief project is a sign you have received from your baby.  I included two pictures for this day.  The first picture is a picture I took on Taylor's birthday while we were at the lake.  The flash of light (blob) in the middle of the picture is her Wish Lantern we released after praying for her.  As we watched the lantern fade from sight, I noticed this beautiful purple nighttime rainbow arching over where the lantern disappeared.  I pointed it out to my husband and stated that I had never seen anything like it before.  The sunset was actually behind us and other than the rainbow, that part of the sky was pitch black.  It was this beautiful purple color and we knew it was a sign from Taylor, telling us she loved us as we celebrated her here.  We both were tearing up. It did not make scientific sense that there should be a color of light where the rainbow was, but yet, there it was.  I tried to get a picture of it, but could only get blackness.  When I got in the car, I looked back through my pictures, disappointed that they were black.  Then I looked through the pictures I attempted to take of the wish lantern and noticed the one above.  I was so excited that I had captured the rainbow!  The crazy part is that we could not see the rainbow until the lantern was gone, but there it was in the picture.  Below is the same picture, but with adjusted levels,  I think it's beautiful to see all that was going on in the night sky that we couldn't see, yet our daughter was painting us a picture. 

The picture on the right is from the day that I spoke of in Day 3/4 post.  It is a beautiful sunset straight from Heaven and my baby girl.
I am thankful that I am getting to the place in my grief where I can see Taylor in my world and smile.  When you are in your darkest days that is so difficult.  Unless you have lost a child, you have no idea what these moments mean to a parent.  They are our baby's way of sending us a hug, a kiss, and an "I love you."  They are everything.
~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 12, Scent

Day 12 of the Capture Your Grief project is a picture of a scent that reminds you of your baby.  I wish I had had the opportunity to smell her sweet baby scent, but since I didn't the scents after her loss are what remind me of baby Taylor.  When we went back home after losing her, we had this beautiful bouquet from my grandparents waiting for us.  We received several others, but the scent of the lilies overtook our home.  So soft, fragrant and beautiful.  On Taylor's birthday last month, we received a beautiful bouquet of white lilies from our good friends.  Again our home was filled with the sweet fragrance.  We took a single lily with us from that bouquet to our lakeside ceremony my husband and I had for us to say "Happy Birthday".  You can see that single lily in the memorial picture we took that is posted from Day 5.
I looked up the meaning behind the lily and found that it means "innocence, purity, hope, faith, motherhood, and rememberance".  If that is not an appropriate definition of a scent that describes my baby, then I don't know what would be.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 11, Supportive Friends/Family

Obviously I do not have the ability to squeeze everyone who has been a support to us these past six months into one photo collage.  I have tried to let people know what their support means to me, but I don't think I can put into words the love, strength, and hope they have given to me.  I included in the collage my husband, my parents, my cousin and sister-in-law, and my brother.  My grandparents have been amazing, I have an aunt I can go to for anything, I have a second cousin that checks on me frequently and allows me to vent even when it's ugly, I have 3 fur-babies that cuddle me when I am sad, and I have several amazing friends, but one in particular that has been there to hear me cry or text me about the craziness that has been my life.  She even went so far as to mail me an "Egg Retrieval Care Kit" that made me smile during the most stressful of times.  The cards that we receive always put a smile on our faces, as well as the random texts just to say "thinking of you today".  I, really we, are so blessed to have the amazing people we do in our lives.  Love you all.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 10, Symbol

Angel Butterfly

For those that don't know by now, the purple butterfly is the symbol for Turner Syndrome.  When I was shopping for Taylor's birthday memorial, I looked for a purple butterfly that was special and beautiful enough to be a part of our celebration.  Although I saw many purple butterflies, when I saw this butterfly, I knew it was the one.  To me, it looked like an angel, so it was a perfect addition for my Angel's birthday celebration.  Since it came in a 3-pack, I plan on keeping one in her memorial box, one goes on our Christmas tree and the last will go to my parent's house for their tree.  This butterfly will always be a reminder of our baby girl during the holiday's.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 9, Special Place

Day 9 of the Capture Your Grief Project is "Special Place".  Carly Marie describes this topic as "a place that you visit that brings you peace."  Although I felt a lot of peace when we celebrated Taylor's birthday at the lake, the place I feel peace most often is with my husband.  So I took the metaphorical approach :)  I took a picture of his hands holding mine because I know I can trust that my heart is safe in his care.  Whether I am dealing with my grief or having a great day, I want those hands to be holding mine.  Underneath the picture is the caption from Instagram.

"The place that brings me the most peace is in my husband's arms, his hands holding mine tightly.  Whether it's at home when I'm having a hard day and missing my baby girl, or out facing the world, he is my home and refuge.  His hands hold me, pray for me, and keep me safe and feeling loved.  These are the kindest hands I've ever known and I am so very blessed that God let me marry this amazing man."

Until tomorrow,
~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 8, Jewelry

Jewelry

Capture Your Grief Day 8 is a picture of a piece of jewelry that is in memory of your baby.  I know the picture is horrible, I am going to try and get another with natural light.  I have had this bracelet, with the charm of my name since my 16th birthday.  For Mother's Day this year, J wanted to make the day as easy as possible for me and let me decide how we were going to proceed.  I had decided I wanted to go to a Ranger's game because I could escape into my world of baseball and not be over exposed to Mother's Day excitement.  I couldn't struggle through the service at church, where each year they honor the mom's by having them stand and applauded and hand out a charm.  I just couldn't do it.  So for my Mother's Day present, J honored me with a matching charm and had it engraved with "Taylor Grace 2012".  Now her and I are side by side on this bracelet and as close as the charms are, I feel that close to her when I wear it.  The charms are now all scratched up from rubbing each other, so I really need to have hers fixed and figure out a way to protect it.  But even if I'm the only one that knows what it says, I love her little charm and how close it makes me feel to my baby girl.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 7, What to Say After a Loss of a Child

Day 7 is a topic I was looking forward to because it allows me the chance to honor all of those in my life that have honored my daughter and our family.  All of these were either said or done for us after the loss of our daughter.  Some of them are so very simple, but yet they have meant everything to me and my husband.  So to those that actually know me and read this blog, "Thank you."  I love you so much and am so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. I know if J were typing on this blog, he would say the same.  

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 6, What Not to Say

What NOT to say to someone who has lost their baby.

 

 

    If you don't know what to say, a hug or a handhold is a good choice.  They may tell you they can't handle it right that second, but it shows love.
    I also added in what not to do, i.e. ignore the parents, disappear from their lives and when you see them pretend like the loss never happened and like the baby did not exist.  When someone you love is going through this much pain, how could you NOT support them?  Even with something as easy as a phone call or text to check in on them once in awhile or to tell them you are thinking of them and their child.

After losing a child, what parents need the most is LOVE.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 5, Memorial

Day 5 for the Capture Your Grief Project is a picture of anything you have done in memory of your baby.  While it is similar to what I will be using on Day 17, it is what I consider to be Taylor's memorial.  This is the memorial we created for her when we celebrated her birthday on September 24.  It includes her Prayer Flag, the angel butterfly I found (because butterflies can be a symbol of lost babies and a purple butterfly is the symbol for TS), her ultrasound from when we heard her heartbeat, Peanut (her puppy dog that my brother and sister-in-law gave me for Mother's Day, wearing the outfit, with Rangers t-shirt, they gave J for Father's Day), Mr. Raccoon, Pajama Baby (Mr. Raccoon and Pajama Baby are from my uncle for Taylor), a lily from the bouquet our wonderful friends sent us in honor of her birthday, and candlelight to let her know she shines on inside of us.  I will share more about her birthday celebration on the 17th, but I think this was a beautiful way for us to honor her.  I am not ashamed to admit that I have slept with one of the three stuffed animals every night since we lost her and I can't go to sleep until one of them in tucked under my arm.  It makes me feel close to her each night.  Hard to believe our baby girl would be in our home by now filling it with all kinds of wonderful baby sounds and smells if things had been different.

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Days 3 & 4

I did not get the chance to blog Day 3 yesterday since we were driving home from my doctor's appointment in Houston.  Unfortunately J had some food poisoning from his tuna sandwich at lunch and was very sick the entire way home, thus we did not make it home until almost 11!  He is much better today :)  So here are yesterday and today's Capture Your Grief pictures.

Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

    
This picture was actually taken on October 3, same day as the topic.  I thought it was pretty fitting that my After Loss Portrait was in front of the UT Health Science Center in Houston's Medical District.  After losing Taylor, we were not able to grieve "appropriately" because we were thrown into the whirlwind of my Turner Syndrome diagnosis.  We then were forced to grieve not only the loss of our baby girl, which is impossible in itself, but also the loss of what I knew about my body and how it is failing me.  So after endless doctors that did not know how to help me, my wonderful husband hounded the doctor at the Turner Syndrome Clinic and was able to get me an appointment for October's clinic.  The TS clinic is ran by Dr. Rivera-Davila and only treats adults the first Wednesday of every month.  So we traveled to Houston and I had the most informative and productive of any appointment I have had in who knows how long.  She is running all of those tests that I was so worried about, but the other doctors pushed off and the best part is I didn't even have to ask, it was her idea to test me.  She also threw in a few more that I didn't even know to be concerned about.  She took blood to check the following: kidney function, cholesterol, Celiac's disease, diabetes, and I'm sure many more things I didn't even catch in our conversation. She was so completely thorough and understanding and I also felt completely at ease with her personality.  She also ordered an ultrasound of my kidney and a bone density screen, which I hope to have done closer to home and have the results sent to her.  Before leaving, I agreed to participate in a research study for people at risk for heart complications, so they too received some of my blood. 

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

My most treasured items are those that take me back to my favorite memories.  Hearing her heartbeat for the first, and last time.  Lord, please help me to never forget the feeling of witnessing the miracle that was my baby's thundering heart.  We took weekly pictures of my growing belly and these pictures I have sometimes feel like the only proof that she was real, that she belonged in our world for a short time.  The top right picture was taken exactly one week before we heard the horrible words that forever rocked our world.  She was only with me 11 weeks, but she is forever in my heart.

She sent me this beautiful sunset on my drive home from work today.  I had to pull on to the service road so I could stop and take some pictures because I just knew it was from her.  The way the lights beamed down, it had to be something from Heaven. 

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 2, Before Loss Self Portrait

Day 2 of the Capture Your Grief project is a self portrait before your loss.  I had a harder time with this one, probably because I put too much thought and I should have just let it flow from my heart.  The first thought that came into my mind was to use the picture I did end up using; however I debated whether to use this picture most of the day, even discussing the topic with my patient hubby.  I have always felt I looked extremely tired and maybe a little sickly in the picture.  Of course I was tired, I was 10 weeks pregnant and had walked around the zoo all day with a 3 year old and 7 year old in a wagon, running to the bathroom every few minutes because the 3 year old kept drinking too much water :)  So of course I was tired!  But I was concerned with using the portrait because it doesn't show the extreme joy I was feeling.  I debated on using a wedding pic (you know good old naive newlyweds), or a fancy dressed up photo... I ended up going with my gut because I remember how excited we were all day that even though our baby was still in the womb, he/she (because we didn't know at the time our baby was a girl) was at the zoo with Mommy and Daddy for her cousin's 1st birthday.  Her 7 yr old aunt and 3 yr old 2nd cousin were also there, along with another aunt, 2 uncles and a grandma.  If you know me, you know that I am an absolute animal person and I LOVE anything where I can be around animals and I LOVE going to the zoo.  J (my hubby) and I kept talking throughout our zoo trip about getting a zoo membership so that when Peanut was born we could come often and I could even come when he/she was a little baby and just walk around to get exercise and get the baby out and about.  We loved how Baby was experiencing this birthday party, even via the womb :)  So I went with this picture.  A week and a half later our lives were shattered, but at this moment our world was unbelievably magical.

So here's our Magical Picture...

Until tomorrow,

~T.

Capture Your Grief: Day 1, Sunrise

Crazy, two posts in one day!  

  As I mentioned in my prior post, Carly Marie's website has been a good source of healing for me over the past several months.  In honor of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Carly Marie introduced the Capture Your Grief project, which began today.  Today's subject was "Sunrise" so I diligently set my alarm for 7am and actually got up the first time it went off for once (first time ever more than likely).  I have to admit that when I first looked at the subject list, I became discouraged and overwhelmed, but then remembered the spirit behind the project is healing.  When I looked at the sunrise this morning through the trees, I realized how special it was that I was actually taking the time to just look at the beauty of the sun.  It reminded me of the beauty of the sunset during our ceremony for my baby girl on her birthday and I know she smiled down this morning, even though my picture is by far not the most beautiful I have seen posted.  I did not rush as I got ready and I was not late for my doctor's appointment.  I was able to enjoy the beauty of the morning.  For that, I am truly thankful.

~T.

Prayer Flag

I know it is has been a good long while since I have had any blog posts. For that I am truly sorry, I can only say that I have been in a dark place for much of the summer. A week ago today was my sweet baby girl's due date and I will need a whole blog post to explain the beauty of that day for me and my husband. I feel we were able to honor her and allow her to see the joy and love we hold for her in our hearts. I do promise to come back to it in a future post. A few weeks ago J and I worked on creating a prayer flag for our Taylor to hang for October 15 at the Baby Remembrance ceremony that will be held on Christian's Beach in Australia.  Carly Marie's website has been such a blessing to me over the past few months and I was excited when she posted her upcoming project she wanted to do with Prayer Flags from all over the world.  J and I were thankful to have such a beautiful way to honor our daughter.

We used a fabric marker to write a message on the back to our daughter in Heaven.  I won't get the opportunity to sew blankets, play mats, curtains or dresses for my little girl, but she does have a prayer flag full of love.  It was also my first completed project with my sewing machine; I just received help with the embroidery of her name with my Memaw's fancy machine :)  It gives me a great amount of joy that the first thing I ever really sewed was for my baby girl.  I can't wait to see pictures of her flag on the beach.  I wanted to spend so much time in the water with her, but at least I know in a way we are experiencing the beauty of the ocean together now.

~T.